A Baby Story

Just when it seems you’re getting the knack of parenting, your child enters the “No” stage. Learn how to handle this common parenting power struggle.

You’ve just started to finally make some parenting progress on how to get your toddler to sleep, eat, and successfully learn potty training … and then the “No” stage takes over.

Weary parents, don’t despair! Here are some tips to help you manage these trying times:

Your Child and No!

Not long after this discovery of independence, the milestones of eating, sleeping, and toilet training become the early battlegrounds for the “No” stage. Here, a child has an advantage because he has his own inside information: “Aren’t you hungry?”

“No.”

The power struggle begins.

Your Role As Parent

For the first time, parents don’t have complete information or control. They can’t directly force a child to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom (successfully). They need their child’s cooperation, and the child quickly discovers that there is power in that!

Parents may view these early toddler power struggles as a time to be strong, but they are also a time to begin giving away some control and allowing a child practice in being independent.

Avoiding Power Struggles

However, children cannot feel hungry or not hungry, or sleepy or not sleepy, any time they need to—or want to. So the child’s inside information is an unreliable advantage, and here’s where a parent can steer away from the power struggle by offering some control back to the child:

Instead of: “Do you need to go to the toilet?”

Offer a choice: “Do you want Daddy to take you or do you want me to take you to the bathroom?”

While this strategy doesn’t always work, it has a good track record and gives the message that Joshua has some say in what happens to him and that his parents respect him as a person.

Meals are often another occasion for difficult power struggles, and it’s important to pick your battles carefully here. Very strict food rules impose control that no adult would tolerate. The price of admission to the “clean plate club” may be too high for the child and the family.

Your best time for making family diet decisions is the time when you have the most control—at the supermarket. Instead of bringing home a gallon of ice cream and then practically needing a lock on the freezer to keep the kids from it, you’re better off buying only a small amount of ice cream or none at all.

The long-term goal is for the child to recognize and satisfy his or her own hunger with what’s available. The short-term goal may be just as important: to create a relaxed family atmosphere that everyone enjoys.

Left with the selection you provide, most children will select a good diet overall, deviating occasionally from what is good for them along the way—the same pattern you find in adults. To emphasize this area of behavior when no serious problem exists may influence eating habits in dangerous directions—toward eating too much or too little—and it interferes with the mealtime atmosphere.

Take control when you must, but give it away as often as you can.

The importance of reading to children is frequently in the news. According to The National Commission on Reading, “The single most important activity for building the knowledge required for eventual success in reading is reading aloud to children.” This seems logical to us, yet many parents are full of questions and uncertainties: When do I start? How do I do it? Will my child be a reader? Here we’ll answer these questions and more, so relax, trust your instincts, and follow these simple guidelines. You’ll be an expert in no time!

Reading with Infants

Before your baby is even born, you can begin her own library. Why not start by adding books to your baby shower “wish list”? Today’s picture books range from simple, colorful stories with little text to artistic, beautiful renditions with reading levels up to sixth grade or higher. Welcome them all and take time in those few quiet months before the baby arrives to read them yourself. If you like them, your child is much more likely to share your enthusiasm.

When reading to an infant, it won’t matter so much what you read as that he is hearing the sound of your voice. So Dads, go ahead and read Sports Illustrated to your “chip off the old block,” and he or she is sure to enjoy it! Try these tips as you read with babies ages six-weeks to three-months old.

• Start with short readings (as little as five minutes) when your child is settling down for a nap or when you are rocking her in your arms.
• Keep your voice calm; no need to be theatrical for children this age. Choose books like Mem Fox’s Time for Bed, a lullaby of a story, or excerpts from Hush, Little Ones by John Butler.
• Once you’re in a routine, try reading to your baby when he’s fussy. If you’ve already set the pattern to connect reading with a calm, warm, close time, sharing a story before he becomes over-stimulated can help him quiet down.

As your youngster becomes more active and gains strength, you can begin “engaged reading”—that is letting the baby sit on your lap upright when fully awake to look at the book and pictures while you read. Choose simple stories that can be read in a short time. Most 32-page simple picture books take only two or three minutes to read.

Reading with Older Babies

When reading with children between the ages of four months and one year, begin to talk with the baby about what you read and see in the pictures before you turn the pages. Remember that the world is all new to a baby!

Slow down and enjoy your child’s response to the book. If she gets restless, don’t force the reading to go on. Find a place to stop and change activities. You can always come back to books another time. Be patient and take pleasure in spending time with your child. From the very beginning, your aim should be:

• For the child to feel comfortable and secure when you read together.
• For the child to hear language and new words (he is building his vocabulary of understanding long before he speaks).
• For the child to begin to see print and reading as a part of life.

Toddlers

As children move into the second year of life, they begin to talk. Some can even use short sentences to describe what they want—”BOOK!” Up the interaction even more. Again, don’t worry about reading through the entire book quickly or limiting the child’s interruptions. The foremost goal is not to finish the book; it is to explore it together and have fun.

During this time, children may request the same story repeatedly. Toddlers are beginning to understand that there are patterns to language and becoming most comfortable with the patterns of their native tongue. Now introduce books with lots of rhyme, rhythm, and repetition of beginning sounds; try any title of Dr. Seuss, poetry, the Little Bear series by Else Holmelund Minarik, or interactive touchable books like Let’s Start Classic Songs: Wheels on the Bus by Todd South—a fun new pop-up book.

As your child’s attention span grows, you can choose longer books or longer reading sessions and sprinkle them throughout the day. Make sure a collection of the books you read is kept on the child’s level in his room or another commonly used room in the house. As he becomes more mobile and chooses activities, you want books to be a convenient choice. Parents are often concerned about children chewing on books or tearing them, so supervision is necessary—but gentle guidance and modeling of how to handle a book go a long way to minimize this.

A Fun Family Routine

Think you don’t have time to read with your kids? Don’t let a busy lifestyle keep you from sharing stories with your youngster. Kick off your shoes and retreat for five minutes into the world of reading when you first arrive home from work. On Saturday mornings, turn your bed into the family meeting place and enjoy a short book together before starting your day. Everyone has five minutes—that’s not even a long coffee break! Make sure caregivers who are with your child during the day practice the same approach.

With a steady diet of reading together daily and the positive approach outlined above, by the end of her second year, your toddler may able to communicate in complete sentences and will choose books as a favorite activity. If you have an extremely active child, don’t choose to read with her when she’s ready to play and jump. Choose “down times” when she’s tired (this is a good time to instigate bedtime stories) or when she’s quiet.

Point out letters and the sounds they make but don’t worry if your child isn’t able to recall those and identify them all for you. Simply making them a part of conversation and repeating them frequently (pointing out letters in the grocery store or in books you read together) is setting the foundation for when your child is developmentally ready for that next step.

Children moving into the preschool years will begin to ask “why” questions. Parents should greet these as an opportunity to explore books even more. You can begin to bring in simple informational books on their favorite topics like My Art Class by Nellie Sheppard or Big Machines by Karen Wallace (both from the publisher, DK, known for their realistic picture books). Books with more complex story lines, such as fairy tales, are also appropriate, but don’t lose the “explore and talk about” approach to reading together.

Whether your children are three months old or three years old, they will benefit immensely from a daily dose of reading with Mom and Dad. Not only will you be preparing them for the steps they will take as preschoolers to understand the alphabetic code of language, but you will insure they are ready for those important first academic experiences in school and have built a close relationship between the two of you in the process.

Take time to pull out the photo albums and review the miraculous changes you’ve witnessed in your baby this past year. Incredible! Most important, revel in all baby can do as she celebrates her first year. Baby has a delightful sense of humor, and she takes great pleasure in teasing you. She loves to express affection, and she’s most likely has mastered the art of hugging and kissing. What a great year it’s been — and what an amazing adventure your family has ahead of you.

Milestones this month*

*All babies have their own internal developmental timetable. If your 11-month-old hasn’t yet reached these milestones, rest assured that she will in time. If you have concerns about your baby’s development, discuss them with her doctor.

Food for Thought
By 12 months, your baby is ready to be weaned from breastfeeding or bottle-feeding. You’ve been preparing for this time by introducing a training cup (which your baby probably is handling well on her own by now) and by gradually cutting back on her traditional liquid feedings. Consequently, you’ll want to increase her intake of solid foods to compensate for the decrease in liquids and to fuel any growth spurts she may be experiencing.

On the other hand, some 1-year-olds may show a decreased appetite about now. Keep in mind that although babies triple their birth weight during the first year, they add only about a quarter of their weight during the second year. Maybe your little ravenous one has slowed down because she’d rather be playing; maybe she’s testing her newfound independence. Teething also can make your baby lose interest in food.

Try to strike the right balance between letting her eat when she’s hungry and letting her pick at her food when she’s not. Don’t force food on her, but maintain control over her nutritious snacking between meals.

Doing Little Things a lot Better
As your baby feeds herself, you’ll notice how wonderfully her fine motor skills are developing. Remember how she used to slap at the spoon until it finally settled into her palm? Now she picks it up with the precision of a surgeon — and places it in her mouth with ease.

Those same hands now manipulate objects in every way imaginable — pinching, poking, squeezing, and twisting — to determine their makeup. And the adorable wave that used to flap madly at the wrist is now a crisp, authoritative, “See ya later, pal!”

Play Group, Anyone?
Few things are more adorable than watching your 1-year-old grab a buddy in a great big bear hug. One-year-olds are just beginning their forays into friendships. Understand that parallel play — where children play alongside one another but not with each other — is really all your 1-year-old is capable of right now. Here’s how you can help make these social engagements more productive:

• Understand that your “shy” child is normal. Social behavior may not fully develop for another year or two. In the meantime, work on helping your child love and appreciate herself, and don’t push her into situations she can’t handle.
• Sharing isn’t a concept to which a 1-year-old can relate. And she probably won’t get it until she’s 2 or 3. In the meantime, prevent her from doing bodily harm to the friend who also wants the doll, and redirect her if possible.
• Intervene immediately if your child hurts anyone. If your child kicks, bites, or grabs another child, take her aside and explain that what she did hurt someone else, and that that’s not acceptable. Be firm and calm. Then help her begin a new activity. And be prepared to have this conversation often.

Just for Mom
With your baby now at the 1-year mark, you may be thinking about expanding your family even further. Remember, it’s never too early to start nourishing your next baby. Maintaining optimum health during your childbearing years is an essential part of being a mother. If you’re planning on another pregnancy, you need extra folic acid and iron in your diet; ask your doctor whether you should take nutrition supplements.

Even babies have bad hair days! Learn how to make sense of cradle cap, infant hair loss, color changes, and more.

Baby hair can puff out, fall out, get curly, or change colors. Want to make sense of it all? Find out ways to easily treat cradle cap, wash a fussy baby’s hair, and learn about new ingredients to look for in shampoos.

Infant Hair Loss

Sometimes it’s a surprise to find that your baby, who was born with a full head of hair, is now experiencing some hair loss and thinning. This is something that happens to many babies, although the timing can differ. “It varies, either before delivery or right after birth during those first few weeks of life,” says Dr. Stephen Muething, MD, associate director of Clinical Services in General and Community Pediatrics at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center.

The cause is relatively unknown, although it may have to do with hormone levels. Just as it disappears, new hair grows at varying times. “Some babies have a full head of hair shortly after they are born, but usually during the nine- to 12-month range you can begin to see hair growth. Although, some babies can go until their first birthday and still be bald,” says Dr. Muething.

Bald Spots

This is a relatively new problem pediatricians are encountering. “We are beginning to notice an increase in babies with a rubbing bald spot on the back of their heads from being continually placed on their backs. This type of baldness doesn’t cause any damage, however it can be helped,” says Dr. Muething.

Because parents are advised to always place sleeping babies on their backs to decrease the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), doctors are noticing a flattening of babies’ heads and patches of hair loss where babies continually rest their heads. “Now we are also recommending ‘tummy-time’ when the baby is awake,” says Dr. Muething. “This decreases the hair loss and also prevents flattening of the head. It is better to start early, right from the start placing baby on her stomach. Babies then become accustomed to this position and actually enjoy it,” Dr. Muething continues. “It helps for moms to get down to the baby’s level so [Baby] can see Mom’s face.”

The Scoop on Cradle Cap

Your baby probably has cradle cap if you notice scaling skin on his scalp that often flakes off. Babies between six to 12 months generally are the most prone to this condition, which usually is rather mild and does not pose any harm. It is absolutely fine not to do anything about this skin condition, says Dr. Muething. He adds that parents, not babies, are often the most bothered by cradle cap.

There are several simple treatments that can help remove the dryness of cradle cap. “Many babies with cradle cap can be helped by simply massaging the scalp, routinely using shampoo before rinsing well, and ensuring that the hair is washed at least every other day. The addition of mineral oil to the scalp at the site of cradle cap to soften the scale prior to washing may also be helpful,” says Dr. Amy S. Paller, MD, professor of pediatrics at Northwestern University and member of the Dermatology Department at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago. For severe cradle cap, parents should consult with their child’s pediatrician. “Scalp eczema, scalp psoriasis, and even a rare disorder called histiocytosis may masquerade as cradle cap in babies,” adds Dr. Paller.

Still No Hair!

Don’t focus on the hair, look to the scalp for answers. “If the scalp looks healthy, the hair loss is just a normal part of being a baby. A healthy scalp looks soft, with no scaling, redness, or oozing. If these symptoms occur it is best to discuss them with your baby’s pediatrician who can prescribe a topical ointment,” reports Dr. Paller. She adds that if hair growth is still sparse by age two, a doctor should look into the cause.

Hair Texture and Color Changes

Genetics play a huge role in determining hair texture and color. Think back to your own baby pictures and look at your hair now. This may give you a clue as to how your child’s hair will change.

Typically baby hair curls more easily than adult hair because it is much thinner and has less weight. “Color of both hair and skin often darkens during the first two to three years of life. Often hair in the baby is much finer than it is in the older child or adult,” adds Dr. Paller.

Hair Washing Made Easier

What’s the trick to washing your tot’s hair? “In one word, distraction,” says Dr. Muething. “Don’t make a big deal out of washing the hair. Let the child play, sing to them, and while they are playing, gently wash and rinse their hair. Bathtub visors are available to keep the bubbles out of your child’s face. Try using a detachable showerhead, which a toddler might find fascinating, or a damp cloth rather than running water.

In general, most babies do not like to get water in their faces. Set aside plenty of time for a bath during these fussy stages and practice patience. Continually talking in a calm, encouraging tone will let you baby or child feel there is nothing to be frightened of.

Detangling Those Curls

“Using a conditioner on hair is always a good idea after shampooing, as it decreases trauma from brushing or combing,” says Dr. Paller. Specially designed kid-friendly, two-in-one shampoo and conditioners are now widely available. However, Dr. Muething advises, “Parents should not overdo washing their children’s hair. In general use less soap. Baths can become long playtimes, and typically parents will wash their children first and then let them play. It’s better to have the bath play first and then save using the soap until the end of the bath.”

The Best Shampoo for Baby

Shampoos designed for babies and children also usually state on the package “tear-free.” These shampoos use a mild detergent that will not sting the eyes. Aside from this standard, shampoos now are being designed with natural ingredients, such as extra-mild botanical surfactants, essential oils, and Jojoba oil. Specially scented shampoos with ingredients like lavender or chamomile are supposed to produce a soothing effect on the baby or toddler.

First Haircuts

When should you schedule that pinnacle first haircut? “When needed,” answers Dr. Paller. There’s really no rush. Cutting it during the first few years won’t change the health of the hair, so it is merely a style choice.

“Given the range of how fast hair can grow in children and the desire to have hair different length, the guideline should be when the hair starts to get too long or gets straggly,” suggests Dr. Paller. If you don’t feel comfortable with scissors and a toddler that won’t sit still, there are many hair salons that specialize in children’s hair styling, with kid-friendly furniture, balloons, and silly themed rooms.

Styling a Little One’s Hair

“Occasionally moms try to do certain styles, such as braids and pigtails, that can actually damage the hair. Hair in young children is more sensitive, and sometimes little ones can get hair loss from hairstyles that pull too tightly or are in place for a long period of time,” says Dr. Muething.

Many disorders can result from manipulation of the hair (such as traction alopecia, in which tight braids or other hair styling can lead to hair loss at the sites of the greatest tension) or treatment with chemicals,” adds Dr. Paller. “Children should have simple styles and avoid excessive manipulation or treatments.”

Spanking children when they’re 3 seems to lead to more aggressive behavior when they’re 5, even if you take into account the child’s initial level of aggression.

In other words, the old “I’ll-give-you-something-to-cry-about” approach appears to backfire, new research suggests.

“We all know that children need guidance and discipline, but parents should focus on positive, non-physical forms of discipline, such as time-outs, and avoid spanking,” said study author Catherine Taylor, an assistant professor of community health sciences at Tulane University’s School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine in New Orleans.

Corporal punishment, of which spanking is a relatively minor form, can have larger implications as well, according to experts.

“The article emphasizes how critical effective positive parenting is in breaking the cycle of violence and the potential to reduce overall levels of violence in our society,” said Dr. Kathryn J. Kotrla, chairwoman of psychiatry and behavioral science at the College of Medicine, Texas A&M Health Science Center Round Rock campus.

Previous studies have also turned up a link between corporal punishment and aggression in children, but none has controlled for as many factors as the new one, published in the May issue of the journal Pediatrics.

Many organizations, including the American Academy of Pediatrics, counsel strongly against corporal punishment. An estimated 35 percent to 90 percent of parents still discipline their children this way.

For the new study, almost 2,500 mothers responded to questions about how often they had spanked their 3-year-old child during the past month. They were also asked about the child’s aggression level at age 3, as well as various parental risk factors such as maternal depression, alcohol use and violence among other members of the family.

About half of the mothers said they had not spanked their child in the previous month, while 27.9 percent reported spanking one or two times, and a similar proportion — 26.5 percent — said they had used this type of corporal punishment more than twice during that time period.

Three-year-old children who were spanked two or more times in the previous month had a 50 percent increased chance of being aggressive when they turned 5, according to the study.

The study could not prove a cause-and-effect relationship, but it is the strongest research of its kind to date, the researchers said.

“We know that kids learn by what parents do, so if a child is hit for whatever reason, you’re really teaching the child that hitting or acting out or being aggressive is OK,” said Taylor.

“Another theory,” she added, “is that the more frequently children are hit for whatever reason, the more stress they’re feeling, which can impact brain development, emotional development and can impact behavior.”

Psychologist Robin Gurwitch, program coordinator of the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement, agreed. “This study emphasizes in an even stronger way than some previous studies that corporal punishment at a young age is associated with more aggression later,” she said. “How do we help parents think through what might be some more effective strategies than corporal punishment, and there are several strategies. Parents need to develop a menu of possibilities.”

Kotrla added, “This study further suggests that state and federal policy makers should address the issue of corporal punishment and its avoidance to reduce the cost of societal violence through effective parenting.”